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All The Real Fake Times Articles in one place for you too peruse. Just scroll and enjoy!
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Breaking News: A Baby Girl That Has Grown Into a Teen, Now Planning on Becoming an Adult in a Few Years
Thirteen years after her birth, a Toronto baby girl has grown into a teenager, and the news desk has been covering it live ever since. Maya Bell is now planning on becoming an adult in a few years (two days away, roughly) so she can get a phone, attend college, travel to Paris and leave…
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Waymo Announces New ‘Chaos Mode’ Feature to Help Commuters Feel More Alive
Waymo, Chaos Mode, autonomous vehicle regulation, driverless car safety standards, Waymo software updates, Waymo safety investigation, robotaxi traffic incidents, self-driving cars, funny news articles, satire articles, tech satire, absurd news stories, parody news, future of transportation
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Montreal Passes By-Law Fining Insults, Then Cannot Define ‘Insult’, Whether ‘Sir, Your Form Is Nonsense’ Costs $300 Depends on ‘the Vibe of the Counter’
Montreal’s bylaw fining insults toward municipal employees is now in effect, with first-offence fines from $300 to $1,000 and up to $2,000 for repeats. The city still has not defined what an insult is, whether “sir, your form is nonsense” costs $300 reportedly depends on the vibe of the counter.
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Mike Myers Officially Retires From International Assassination, Plans to Spend Golden Years Gardening, Baking, and Domination-Free Lawn Bowling
Mike Myers has retired from international assassination and settled into a Florida retirement community, where he now spends his days gardening, baking sourdough, and pursuing a more peaceful form of weekend violence: lawn bowling.
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Dog Learns to Drive, Immediately Runs Errands Owner Forgot : Labradoodle Passes Written Test (Nobody Knows How), Keeps Buying Extra Treats and Parking Near Fire Hydrants
A Labradoodle has learned to drive, passed his written test and begun running errands for his owner, but his habit of buying extra treats and parking near fire hydrants has attracted unwanted attention from local parking officials.
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Man’s Left Shoe Retires Mid-Walk, Cites ‘Lack of Appreciation’ : Right Shoe Devastated, Socks Enter Mediation
A Toronto man’s left shoe retired mid-walk Tuesday, citing a “lack of appreciation” and refusing to complete the remaining 2,400 steps. The right shoe is devastated and hasn’t spoken to it since. The socks have entered mediation.
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Undercover in the Food Court: RFTIB Infiltrates the Shadow Network of Mall Pretzel Salt Refillers
RFTIB investigator Luke Dimbottom goes undercover to expose an international network of mall employees who refill pretzel salt bins at precisely 10 a.m. before disappearing without explaining the missing pretzel bites.
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Confessions of a Health Dealer: Slinging Supplements on the Clean Market( A Health, Healthy & Healthier Special)
Step into the clean market and discover how quality supplements, gut support, cognitive wellness, and natural stress solutions can help you build a stronger foundation for better health.
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The Great Coffee Ring: RFTIB Traces Office Mug Stain to Silent Syndicate of Non-Rinsers
RFTIB investigator Luke Dimbottom traces a mysterious office coffee ring stain to a silent syndicate of non-rinsers who believe breakroom etiquette is merely a suggestion.
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Where’s Waldo Files Privacy Suit Against Entire Planet, Claims Decades of Being Hunted in Every Crowd Is Systematic Harassment
Waldo has filed a lawsuit against “the entire planet,” arguing that decades of being hunted through crowded illustrations constitutes systematic harassment. The defense’s position: the stripes were designed to be found, so he consented.
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Ontario Coffee Shop That Built Its Brand on Loiterers Installs ‘No Loitering’ Sign, Immediately Looses Business
A café that built its entire business model around remote workers nursing one coffee for six hours has installed a 20-minute “no loitering” policy — and lost roughly 90% of its customers in a single week. Co-owner Jaxson Vance says he was just following the advice of his Magic 8-Ball board of directors.
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Meridian Beekeeper Criminally Prosecuted After Bees Pollinate Illegal Cannabis Plants Across Town
A Meridian, Idaho beekeeper and a neighbor who lives miles away are facing prosecution after authorities argued that the beekeeper’s bees became unwitting accomplices by pollinating an illegal cannabis crop.
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Local Man’s BBQ Smells So Good, Neighbour Files Formal Complaints Every Weekend — Then Shows Up With a Plate
A Guelph condo resident has perfected a weekly routine of filing formal written complaints about his downstairs neighbour’s Saturday afternoon barbecue smoke—right before showing up at the door at 6 p.m. sharp with a Tupperware container.
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Man Who ‘Just Had Questions’ at Town Hall Meeting Accidentally Appointed to Three Committees
What started as a simple question about leaf blower decibel levels has turned into a lifelong sentence of municipal service for Greenock Mills resident Harold Sutton, who was accidentally sworn into three separate committees after the town council mistook his curiosity for a desperate cry for employment.
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The Great Microwave Peace Treaty: Office Breakroom Conflict Resolved with 47-Page Accord
After months of truffle-oil popcorn warfare and blackened tilapia retaliation, a Hamilton logistics firm enlists a veteran librarian to mediate a 47-page peace treaty governing the sacred office microwave — complete with a neon-tape Demilitarized Zone and a strict “Salmon Slot.”
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5 Steps How to Heckle a Town Hall Meeting and Keep Your Dignity (Easy Guide for Local Lunatics)
A leaked guide called The Civic Vocalization Handbook is turning Ontario town hall hecklers into sophisticated, well-dressed nuisances who use tactical sneezes and disappointed stares to derail municipal meetings — and there’s nothing the Ministry can do about it.
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The Department of Redundancy Department Unveils New Redundancy Policy for Extra Redundancy
The Department of Redundancy Department (DRD) has unveiled its new Federal Redundancy and Duplication Policy, requiring all government documents to be written twice, two times, in a move that’s either brilliant bureaucracy or a spectacular waste of toner — or both, both.
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Dr. Barnaby Flux Suggests Replacing Handshakes With High-Fives for Maximum Workplace Efficiency
Dr. Barnaby Flux, Canada’s Minister of Cognitive Compliance, wants to replace handshakes with high-fives — claiming they save 0.7 seconds and provide an “auditory reset” for maximum productivity. Monica Gump Bubbastein counters with “Aggressive Finger Guns.”
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Gladys Pepperstein 007 First Light Game Review: A Local Grandmother Game Review of the James Bond Origin Story Game
Gladys Pepperstein returns to review the new James Bond origin story game, 007 First Light, and finds it severely lacking in pie, proper knitwear, and common decency. She gives it a 0/10 for Knitting Compatibility and warns young Bond to put on a sweater before heading to Antarctica.
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3000-Year-Old Mermaid ‘Onetail’ Discovered Off Guyana Coast; Claims Ocean Living is Best Way to Avoid Rent Hikes
A 3000-year-old mermaid named Onetail surfaces in Guyana to explain how living underwater is the ultimate hack for avoiding the global housing crisis and property taxes. While scientists are fascinated by her scales, she’s mostly here for the curry shrimp and potato roti.
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UK Rebrands 1 Million Unemployed Youth as ‘Freelance Urban Philosophers’
The UK government has officially decommissioned the term ‘unemployed’ for citizens aged 18 to 24, legally redesignating 1 million NEETs as “Freelance Urban Philosophers.” The strategic rebrand, part of a broader Department for Work and Pensions (DWP) reform, aims to transform the national youth unemployment crisis into a cultural renaissance by framing joblessness as “profound…
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Company Announces Layoffs, Rebrands Them As “Surprise Leisure Grants”
Toronto-based Cloud-Burst Logic rebrands mass layoffs as a revolutionary wellness program called ‘Surprise Leisure Grants,’ gifting employees 24/7 free time without pay.
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Local Woman Successfully Pays Hydro Bill With Monopoly Money Due to Legal Loophole
Annetta Renner discovered a 1922 legal loophole that forced her utility company to accept Monopoly money as payment. Read how the “spirit of fair play” saved her $412 and turned a utility clerk’s day into a colorful board game nightmare.
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Ronald Plump Postpones “Scheduled Attack” After Realizing He Forgot to Cancel His Disney+ Subscription
Ronald Plump officially postponed his much-hyped “Scheduled Attack” Tuesday morning after discovering a recurring $15.99 charge from Disney+. The delay, which has left tactical teams on standby, was attributed to a lengthy dispute with a customer service chatbot over a “Triple Play Bundle” refund.
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Man Successfully Sues His Own Shadow for ‘Loitering and Intimidation’
In a historic win for “redundant justice,” Arthur Glower of Courtice has successfully sued his own shadow for loitering, harassment, and “maliciously looming” during the golden hour. The court has now issued a restraining order requiring the silhouette to maintain a three-inch distance at all times.
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Local Man Discovers He Can Photosynthesize, Quits Grocery Shopping Forever
Scarborough man William Thistle has officially cut his grocery bill to zero by teaching himself how to photosynthesize. While his wife is tired of re-potting him and his skin is turning a suspicious shade of sage, William insists that “wireless charging for the soul” is the future of food security.
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Oshawa Man Replaces Speed Camera with Cardboard Cutout of His Disappointed Mother; Traffic Drops to Zero
Bill Goward of Oshawa found a revolutionary way to slow down local speeders: the crushing weight of a mother’s disappointment. Discover how a simple cardboard cutout achieved what years of law enforcement and heavy fines never could—making drivers actually feel bad about their life choices.
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White House Requests $1 Billion for ‘Tactical Ballroom’ and Taxpayer-Funded Laser Shark Moat
President Ronald Plump has requested a modest $1 billion for a “security overhaul” featuring a high-tech Tactical Ballroom for rhythmic diplomacy and a moat filled with laser-equipped sharks. Because nothing says national security like a gold-plated predator with a ruby beam.
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Health Experts Suggest Replacing ‘Cardio’ with ‘Screaming Into a Paper Bag’ for Maximum Caloric Burn
Move over, HIIT. A new study suggests that “vocal shredding”—the act of screaming into a paper bag—burns more calories than a four-minute mile by engaging in maximal diaphragmatic spasming.
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New York City Deli Busted in Underground Gambling Investigation; Evidence Seized
A multi-agency task force raided “Bernie’s Artisanal Brine & Provisions” in Manhattan, uncovering a subterranean bunker filled with gambling machines disguised as pastrami steamers and betting chips made of flavored potato slices.
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Megalodon Shark Spotted Off Coast of British Columbia
A reported sighting of a 60-foot prehistoric shark near Nanaimo has triggered bureaucratic concern, marine speculation, and deeply Canadian attempts to remain calm in the presence of a predator the size of a commuter train.
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Mysterious Blue Shoe Discovered on Local Park Bench; No Leads in Sight
: A localized crisis is unfolding in Victoria Park after a single, left-footed blue sneaker was discovered meticulously placed on a park bench. With no owner in sight and the right-footed counterpart missing, local residents like Dan Fieldnlman are left grappling with the logistical uncertainty of a shoe that “vibrates with saturation” and has effectively…
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Hamilton Pothole Officially Designated as Ontario’s Newest Provincial Park
Hamilton’s roads are legendary for testing a car’s character, but one massive crater near King and Dundurn has transcended local nuisance status. Officially dubbed “The Great Gulp,” this urban canyon has been designated as Ontario’s newest Provincial Park—complete with its own ecosystem, high-society tea parties, and a thriving hubcap gift shop.
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Ontario Homeowner Discovers Property Value Increased by $400k After Neighbor’s House Is Condemned by Ghosts
Oakville resident Gary Flannery sees his property value skyrocket by $400,000 after his neighbor’s house is condemned by aggressive Victorian specters, proving that “not being haunted” is the ultimate luxury asset in today’s market.
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